When I had my baby, I felt immense joy (as any new mom would)! What I didn’t know was how much anxiety or loss of independence I would feel at the same time. Another thing I felt was jealousy, and I’ll explain what I mean when I say that.
As long as I can remember, I was very independent. I always got things done on my own and it was very satisfying, such as taking care of my car, or driving to new places. I know a lot of people who couldn’t or didn’t want to do such things but I was happy to do it on my own. I loved that I did not rely on anyone to get things done. It was very different having to be at home all day with a baby. I had never felt so helpless and it wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy spending time with my baby or having him need me 24/7 but I did miss my old life. I struggled letting go because the weather was nice and all my friends were out and about without any responsibilities. I had to wrap my head around the fact that things were changing (for the better of course)!
I have always dealt with anxiety but until recently I did not know that it was a condition that I had. But I also didn’t realize that having a baby would make it worse.
I noticed that my anxiety was worse when around 7:30 pm I would be waiting for my husband to come home from work to help me take care of the baby. I wanted him home right away so that I have another person to help me out. Just having him around made me feel better about having a newborn. Not once since being married to him have I called him to ask him to come home. This behaviour was definitely new to me and to him. He never said anything but I knew I had to make it stop. I still feel like this sometimes (my baby is now almost 7 months) but it’s significantly better as my hubby and I are getting used to our roles as Mom and Dad.
Jealousy was another feeling I have hardly ever felt in my life. I was jealous of the fact that everyone else was able to live their lives even though this cutie pie of a baby was in our lives (mostly my husband made me feel this way–in no fault of his own). I would get jealous when my husband would go to work in the morning, not worried about who is taking care of our baby. I would get jealous when my husband would go play golf on Sundays, like he normally would before the baby, and not worry about who would be taking care of our baby. Because of course, it would be ME! I definitely didn’t let him go golfing the first time he tried since I decided to pick a fight with him. Communication was key with getting our relationship back on track and without that we wouldn’t be as happy as we are today!
Motherhood is hard. I never knew how hard it was for my own Mom until now. No matter how I feel, I don’t let it overshadow how I take care of my son. But let me reiterate, Motherhood is hard. Give your moms a hug today and thank them for the hard work they put in and sacrifices they made raising you 🙂 I love my son and am so grateful he is a happy and healthy baby!